Friday, April 15, 2011

Ranking happiness and moving on

I had a cholesterol screening yesterday. Part of it included a questionnaire about family heart health, histories, other things. And then there was question 16, asking me to rank my happiness. I don't exactly remember the words, but basically it was a one for HAPPY! and a five for NOT HAPPY.

And I had to think.

I know there's part of me that dances for joy somewhere in this heart, and when I think of my life overall I think happy. But I wondered about the tears that spring without notice. When I find that a good 80 percent of my time is full of color and hope and optimism, why was this 20 percent gaining gray? New words entering my daily: Weary. Frustrated. Grouchy. Hurt. Suddenly others joined in: Unforgiving. Angry. Impatient. And a growing pull toward mourning.

I read this in The Love Revolution by Joyce Meyer.
"Of course, at the time it is difficult to see anything good in something so bad, but whatever we can't leave is where we stop, and if we stop we will never know what could have been. God never makes reluctant people move on; we have to decide to move on."

I had read over it once with little notice. But then I lost my place in the book and doubled back, seeing this paragraph for likely the first time. While taken totally out of context, these words hit me so strongly that I almost underlined them in the library book. They were written with no regard to my now, yet they have everything to do with my now.

Throughout the day, my mind went back to question 16 and the answer I shaded in ... that place between happy and not happy. And I asked myself: why would I be unhappy?

The answers, like vapor. 

Whatever we can't leave is where we stop ...

Memories that wound again and still.

And if we stop, we will never know what could have been ...

And I decided. I had to decide--

We have to decide to move on.

to move on.


REG said...

Deciding to move is harder than it sounds because sometimes the unhappiness makes us so weary all we want to do is rest right where we are even when the view is awful.For now even crawling can get me someplace else. Thank you for sharing.

Kristina said...

moving on is something I struggle with. Things said or done that hurt seem to stay with me alot longer than the good stuff. I am trying to focus on the good instead of the bad, and I have noticed the more I think on the good the less I remember the bad. Very good post, makes me really think about what else I am holding on to...