On value

 My word for 2020 was value. 

Value: the worth of something; relative worth, utility, or importance; the relative duration of a musical note; relative lightness or darkness of a color; to consider or rate highly. Synonyms: appreciate, treasure, worth, prize, cherish. 

Early reflections on the theme included:  We invest in what we value. For where our treasure is, our heart will be also. We are what we repeatedly do. It matters to me what I leave behind, and what I leave behind will speak of what I valued. 

This year, I thought long on what I valued. Sometimes it was a monthly focus (excellence, relationships. freedom, integrity, generosity, maturity, time--to name a few). Sometimes the things I valued weren't valued by others close to me. Sometimes my actions didn't always line up with what I valued, and that troubled me. Sometimes I learned that people had different definitions for and approaches to what they valued, and that took a little while to work out. 

I had to learn how to pull a concept from my head and give it life and limb. 

I value time--what does that look like? It means filling my calendar to make the best use of my time. To leave time for my family. To be reliable with a yes that means yes. It means honoring the space held for another, showing up and being present. It means taking FB off my phone to limit wasting time. It means sitting with a declining dog, giving comfort for the brevity of time. Having a high school senior also puts things in perspective--of motherhood and the fleeting of time. Yesterday, a fellow homeschool mom died from cancer (I remember when she was diagnosed four years ago). Another friend invited me into the sacred space of death, to pray for her friend who was told nothing more could be done. Oh, what have I wasted my time on? Other people's opinions of me? Jumping through hoops? Checking out on an app? Did I spend time well in 2020? Not always. And that was a lesson too.

I value maturity--what does that look like? Ripe. Fruitful. Measured. Composed. But sometimes, and my watch will attest, I felt shaken and stressed. Sometimes my thoughts gave way to full unbridled emotion. Sometimes, I couldn't show up in strength for what I champion, because I lacked patience or the right words. Sometimes I needed more time to think things out. And sometimes the best I could do was to stay quiet. Stay small. Very undeveloped. Very unfruitful. And very disappointed. Because I thought by now, at my age, I should have been stronger, confident. 

If I say I value something, how did I show up for it? How did I champion it? And that has given me a lot to think about. How I love the Dumbledore quote, "It is not our abilities that show what we truly are ... it is our choices." Because we can say we value something all the day, but unless we make choices that support our values, it is all just vapid vanity. 

I also learned to value myself--to exercise and take care of my health, heart, and body; to stop putting myself in emotionally/spiritually harmful situations. It was saying to myself, I care for you enough to champion you, protect you, encourage you. I will give you good foods to eat. I will give you good books to read. I will give you opportunity to be true to yourself in your pursuits. I will give you respect and limit or eliminate situations that surely will harm you. 

I'm thankful for a deeper peek into value. Going forward, I will include it in my Day Story, and I will continue to highlight my values on my calendar so that I remember to honor those things, people, concepts throughout my days. 

Reflecting on 2020

Every year's end, I like to complete a reflection of the things that stand out. While this year certainly had standout headlines, I focus a bit more personally, because big things happened here too: I quit the Trust. Lanie became a dual enrolled student. I had a lot of margin in my time to really consider how I had been spending my time prior, and how I would like to invest and steward it in the future. 

Lanie turned eighteen and graduates from high school in June this coming year. I will be a homeschool mom of one, and I'm considering the shift in my role of mom and homeschool mom for the past 18 and counting years. Who will I become when those titles are redefined? I try to ready myself for the changes. 

But first, a look back at 2020. Answers to the questionnaire this year were exacting and personal. So here are the ones that made the public cut.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? Quitting the Trust.

8. What were the best books you read this year? When to Walk Away by Gary Thomas; Not Forsaken by Louie Giglio; Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins; Loving What Is by Byron Katie

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? I ran three miles. I ran five miles. I ran seven miles. And then I had to start all over again. But I learned the importance of rest and cross training. I ran two 5k (virtual) races, and had my heart set on a half marathon for next year. However, now I will just focus on the journey and not the destination. I hope to get to a half marathon, but I don’t need to hurt myself getting there.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? Focusing on goals and thinking about things I wanted to accomplish. I stretched my sights farther to include races and longer distances. Also, grateful to think and consider deeper character issues—and that has not been easy. 

What were the things that stood out for you personally this past year?  

I set my sights on a new year. New goals. New focus. Instead of creating a vision for a year, I look month to month, leaving room for God to direct my steps. The past few years have held a focus of Health, Home, and Happiness. But brainstorming goals for 2021, a new alliteration and focus emerged: Running, Relationships, and Re-imagining. 

A new year focus on endurance and approach; relationships with my family and building a base; and re-imagining creatively, at home, and myself. 

What do you want to work on in the coming year? 

 

Day story

 December 2020

Outside my window, winter in the woods. Snow white every where, and through the windows to the woods, a brief and bold burst of pinks in a morning sunrise. I love the woods. I love winter. I love snow. But I also love running, so the snow is welcome to melt off my driveway any day now! 

Giving thanks for a season of slow. Lanie finished up her first semester in college and got great grades. So proud of her hard work and enjoyment. She laughed almost daily at the little details of a teacher's mannerisms and class discussions. She felt so much delight. I'm glad for this break for her, to slow and enjoy the season. Giving thanks we are all under one roof, healthy, with food in the fridge, clothes on our backs, work to do, and friends to love.

In the school room, getting ready for a December poetry tea next Tuesday. I really want to enjoy the Christmas season. In a year that went by too fast and too slow, I just want to be present in the time we have together. Looking forward to the winter solstice celestial display, music, and poetry.

From the kitchen, we made peanut butter blossoms, and I probably ate too many Kisses. Lanie baked sugar cookies yesterday. And I hope to try my hand at cut outs on Monday.

I am looking forward. A January vision board and goals at the ready. This year certainly presented its challenges, but my goals have always been personal and dependent upon me--exercise, creativity, education, growth. I hope to spend more time with my camera and edits next year. More time in the Word. More time planning and preparing for health. I hope there are races where I can volunteer. Looking to build a base of like-minded people who are driven, positive, and reliable--these are traits I value.

I don't want to forget the year of Harry Potter movies; summer swims; recorder songs; hiking with friends and family; dropping the hoops because I was tired of jumping through them; running seven miles on Mondays in September; building back my base instead of giving up; making birthday wishes come true for my kids; putting my family first (and this, surprisingly, was a difficult battle because of a really messed up need to want to make everyone happy); drive time with Lanie to her gigs; big bowls of popcorn; warm fleece blankets; holidays at home.

I am reading a lot. Finishing up Agents of Babylon by David Jeremiah. Preparing to read On the Brink of Everything by Parker Palmer; Innercise by John Asseraf; Square One by Dirk Vlieks. I've actually read more this year for personal enjoyment (and not just for school) than any other year, in part because I purposed to finish what I started. 

Around the house, snowflakes and Christmas lights. Candles and music. Soft fleece blankets. Book stacks. I'm really starting to love Christmas. It always stressed me out because of the gift giving, and not to my kids, but the issues with my family of origin--gifts were always difficult. It is so freeing, this year more than ever, to soak in and savor a season. Christmas Eve nachos on the menu. Gifts purchased, although I warned Shane it won't look like other years because our kids' interests have changed so much. I have a week with crockpot menus included and leftovers scheduled and time to be with my people. I am so grateful. With the exceptions of a perhaps hike with some friends and the poetry tea Tuesday, I am leaving the days open. 

I am hearing--oh, this category. It's always the hum of the heater in winter. Or Christy, just now, texting me the latest TikTok--she sends me daily doses. Or cats meowing. Or Ruth and Nella barking. Dishes clanking. The sounds of the world I know. It's peaceful.

A view of my favorite things:

Winter. Bring it. (Just not the snow and ice because I don't want to break my bones.)

This place was beautiful and peaceful

Apple cider donuts

Erin's shimmery birthday

Gorgeous fog

Dark streaks in the sky that we joked were death eaters

Got my hair done!

A favorite from Harry Potter, and my favorite Dumbledore actor

Gah! This girl! That face!

And this should have told me all I'd ever need to know about Erin!

Captured their personalities, and I had no idea

Birthday hike with Erin, Vivi, Shane and Lanie

 

At the table, I'm surrounded by piles of books to read, thank you notes to write and to mail, things to file. A 2021 goal planner is prepped and primed. A gift awaits an accompanying piece to mail off to Nick. Packing up some things to make room for new--literal and figurative. Goals. Experiences. Friendships. Memories.

Merry Christmas from all of us! And best wishes for a new year!

And still counting ... (14,746-14,865)

 a first fire in the school room, dogs vying for closest spots to the blaze, November skies, the Halloween picture from our neighbors porch, a first Halloween that we all stayed home

packages in the mail, hot coffee, skinny and warm fleece blankets, schooling with Erin, physical therapy

longer darkness for hibernating and hunkering down, time with my girls, buttermilk pancakes, drive time with Lanie, sunrises in the woods

voting with Lanie, the cheers in the room, first flurries, a poem for autumn texted, fleece pullovers

enough, food in the fridge, clothes for our bodies, this time together, the chorus of traveling geese

the registrar who spoke German, Nora who prays, Jenne, mini ornaments for a mini tree, a quicker mile

Shane, holiday mood, two fires burning, shampoo, Erin's curls

hugs from Lanie, her smile, her focus, her hard work ethic, her love

running shoes, running shorts, boundaries, good books, texts with Christy

a solid 5k run before the 5k run, a turkey race gone virtual--at least I dreamed irl!, blinking white lights on the fireplace mantel, a candle in the school room: joy and laughter, mocha coffee

December vision, Harry Potter wrapping paper, cowbells, a word this year that helped clear a path, new cookbooks

a hike with Sharon and Ashlei, Hedwig's theme on recorder, online running groups, a blazer over a sweater on a chilly day, warm boots

clementines, apple, pears, gf brioche from Trader Joe's, a turkey to roast

November skies (always!), windy runs, naps on the couch by the fire, chats after dinner with Shane, a wintry feel run with the balaclava on

candy canes and chocolate covered cherries on display as I first walked in the store, seasonings, Christmas songs that made our hearts sing with premature delight, little flashing lights wrapped around HOME, leftover pizza for lunch

brown bagged books on hold at the library, a cheery greeting from a library patron, the very good feelings of being home, the warmth of the fleece blanket and the hum of heat at night, a gratitude for the woman whose delight it is to poison the punch--and to suffer no harm from her actions (a trigger disarmed, swiftly, and I am thankful to see it for what it is) 

clarity in friendships, a mini fridge from 1987 that became a point of contact, time, a turkey run that went virtual, the deadline it set before me to get back on my feet 

holidays in this senior year, a season to savor, these years on 66 Books, the realization of the mighty men I've had all along, cranberry sauce gifted by a neighbor

Lanie running too, a thankful celebration with turkey and all the goodies, a table for four, mac and cheese leftovers, long-sleeve compression shirts

family time, a text from Tracey, chocolate kisses, cinnamon rolls and Nutella rolls, lazy Saturday mornings

a family hike, laughter, steep hills, rushing water, a smoothie detox challenge

"Back to the Future" and popcorn, Ruth sleeping in, mild days, the returning writers for 2021, the realization that God's plan is perfect--even when I feel resistance

a foggy drive in rain to the library, Christmas trees on car tops, ornaments in our windows, reciting scenes to a favorite movie (mine--Half-Blood Prince) to Erin's delight, a smile cracked from a cranky face

the way a book bent my mind, the gold of silence, music stands with recorder music books, plans in my heart for a 14th birthday girl, Ruth in pursuit around the living room--oh, the laughter!

Get in my belly burrito bowl

I recently checked out some cookbooks from the library. I have been so uninspired by the things I've always made. I tried a grilled chicken recipe that called for chicken thighs seasoned with 2 T brown sugar, 1 teaspoon each: salt, chili powder, oregano. I seasoned the top of each chicken thigh and grilled it plain side down. When I flipped it over, I sprinkled more of the mixture on the top. I still had some seasoning leftover (I had doubled it).

On the stove, an undrained can of black beans. I tossed onions, garlic and the remainder of the sugar chili mix into a pan. In another pot, a double batch of rice. 

When the rice was done, a juicy squeeze of lime, a sprinkling of salt, and a generous flourish of cilantro. The hot beans, cheddar cheese, a plop of sour cream, two heaping spoons of Trader Joe's mild pico de gallo, the grilled chicken and a quarter avocado. I'm the only one who eats it loaded. Shane and Lanie had variations of this. 

It was so good. Blog-worthy good. Go-back-for-more kind of good. Look-forward-to-leftovers-for-lunch good. In the past, I used to use rotisserie chicken and pinto beans seasoned with cumin. But this was all kinds of wonderful and new. I'll never go back to the old way.

Day story

 November 2020

Outside my window, springlike temperatures. Sunny skies and a high of mid-seventies, but still, it's ten degrees cooler in the shade in the woods, and always in the 60s in my old, cold house. This morning I took the time to stand at the school room doors and look into the woods to anticipate the sunrise. Some mornings I miss them in the routine. But today didn't disappoint. A burst of pinks at the horizon, and over within seconds, but I snagged a picture.

Giving thanks for friendship. Today, Erin's friend Vivi is over. They've been friends since kindergarten, and Vivi was in my class that year. Her mom sometimes dropped her off back then on home days for the girls to do work together, but it always ended in two giggly girls sneaking off when I looked away and running through the field so the fun wouldn't end. My favorite memories. Today, I overhear them exchanging numbers to text each other. Jackie visited a little before leaving, and said maybe when she came to pick up there could be time for coffee and more talking. I'm baking a pumpkin bread. Music plays in the rooms and windows are open. Could my heart be anymore full? This is symbolic of the best of my memories, and I cherish them all the more because I truly know how fast it goes.

In the school room, I built in more time for other reading besides historical fiction. We're cruising through The Outsiders, which I've had no context for--not even the movie. But it's a brief break. This year we are full into American history and government. And this year was a first for Lanie to vote. We went together, and stepped outside into the season's first flurries. I'm so thankful to do that with her. Thankful for all the things I get to do with my daughters, and I realize the losses my mother never even knew she suffered, and I pity her one chance at life. I get to be part of teaching my daughters how to drive. I got to accompany one to vote. We navigate college roads together and talk about classes and future and priorities. I love everything about being a wife and mom, and I feel sorry for my own mother who always looked into someone else's life with longing instead of valuing her own.

From the kitchen, lemme just say, I am in love with Trader Joe's whole milk European-style plain yogurt. I add a sliced banana and a dollop of pumpkin butter and it is all goodness. Made a Trader Joe's run today and also scored Advent calendars--a very first. I snagged one for a neighbor's daughter and a few for Jackie's girls. Every day, I focus on the little things like this. I may not be able to change the course of the world, but I can affect the quality of my world by my own thoughts and actions. 

I am happy. I commented to Shane that since this summer when I purposed to read more instead of looking back, I have been so happy. I love all the books I'm going through. And even when the past reached to pull me back, it just fueled my resolve to be done. There is no room for toxic in my life. I truly am counting my days, and I won't lose them to people who never valued them to begin with. 

I don't want to forget coffee mornings with Lanie. Cold morning running. How good a mile feels on my feet. The warmth of fleece. Wood smoke smells and luscious heat. Family traditions--and this year, all the more precious. All the more precious.

I am reading The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton; The Fit Foodie Meal Prep Plan by Sally O'Neil; The Gift of Forgiveness by Katherine Schwarzenegger Pratt; The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King; Agents of Babylon by David Jeremiah; Collected Poems for Children by Ted Hughes. More to come on hold at the library.

Around the house, getting back into my groove after several weeks off running from an injury. I am now adding resistance training to strengthen hips and hammies. And I'm trying to get my head around rest days, but truly I DON'T WANT TO. Race day is in a couple of weeks, and I am not at my former pace yet. I'm working so hard on getting there. We are ornament shopping this weekend instead of after Thanksgiving to avoid the crowds. But I am looking forward to putting the tree up after Thanksgiving, and enjoying plates of sweet potatoes and marshmallows, pie, and turkey. 

I am hearing friendship, and it's a beautiful sound. How we've missed our friends. (How I've missed hospitality!) Next week a weather-pending hike. And after that, another encounter with a long-time bestie. 

A view of my favorite things:

This came up in email as a memory--oh my gosh.

We voted!

My hair stylist shared this with me after I told her how I pressed on through pain on a long run and wrecked my hammies

She took care of the roots for me

A plant gifted by Cindy. I'm so thankful I live in her former house. I'm so thankful she's part of my life.

Doesn't do justice to this morning's sunrise.

 

At the table, chicken burrito bowls (recipe to publish next). This weekend, making batch meals. I've got serious goals: health, nutrition, endurance.

And still counting ... (14,634-14,745)

a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting from Wegmans, the lovely baker who spoke so kindly to me

that she drew extra hearts on the cake, a new yoga mat, a book to read, great weather for gardening, windows open

windows cleaned, a neighbor who texted me the picture of the "fancy soap", changing colors in the leaves, a foam roller, chicken taco soup

a really good night's sleep, warm clothes, clean spaces, handmade birthday cards from the kids, Amy's creativity (the string light posts)

the runners' groups, Jenne who listens, birthday wishes, a clean house, new running shoes

the fleece blanket on the bed, a gift in the mail from Marshall's Mom, finishing books from the library, Harry Potter movies with Erin, the vivid dream about my dad--finding my voice

rest days from running, the neighbor's daughter who loves my kids, 66 Books, Heather's email and prayer, leaves on the ground

that cleaning day with windows open and music playing and all the feelings it brought up in me and my kids of playdates and community and what is so very special about being here, remembering big thick slices of banana chocolate chip bread, remembering coffee with friends on the couch, remembering wagon rides and biking and running through the yard, Mars by the moon

Ruth, the gorgeous trees outside the windows, food in the fridge, fleece blankets in the mail, Live G Free General Tso's chicken at Aldi!!!!!

the good smelling fall scented soaps, running support groups, unexpected and unscheduled bench time, pain that stopped, foam rollers and tai chi balls

her eighteenth birthday, celebrating, burgers on the grill, open windows, colorful trees

Good Tidings tea, a soft blanket (a box of them, actually), a Misfits box in the mail, little cabbages, the view of the woods from my seat in the school room

an appointment with a physical therapist, a glimpse of the future, shimmery curtains and disco balls, music from the little speaker, glow sticks and wands

a season's last bonfire (oh, the double meaning), a husband who is a great father, that he tended a fire on a Friday night, that he hung up shimmery curtains that fell down from her door frame because he saw the need, Harry Potter movies with popcorn--that we would watch them again and again

a goal planner in the mail, laundry tumbling in the dryer, chicken soup with rice, a book of poetry gifted by my poet friend, pullovers

piano music in the house, warm drinks, cold coffee, a green light to run again, that old man hunched over in his yard with mismatched clothes

cookbooks, Lanie, Tuesday tea and poetry, foggy mornings, hamstring exercises