My word for 2020 was value.
Value: the worth of something; relative worth, utility, or importance; the relative duration of a musical note; relative lightness or darkness of a color; to consider or rate highly. Synonyms: appreciate, treasure, worth, prize, cherish.
Early reflections on the theme included: We invest in what we value. For where our treasure is, our heart will be also. We are what we repeatedly do. It matters to me what I leave behind, and what I leave behind will speak of what I valued.
This year, I thought long on what I valued. Sometimes it was a monthly focus (excellence, relationships. freedom, integrity, generosity, maturity, time--to name a few). Sometimes the things I valued weren't valued by others close to me. Sometimes my actions didn't always line up with what I valued, and that troubled me. Sometimes I learned that people had different definitions for and approaches to what they valued, and that took a little while to work out.
I had to learn how to pull a concept from my head and give it life and limb.
I value time--what does that look like? It means filling my calendar to make the best use of my time. To leave time for my family. To be reliable with a yes that means yes. It means honoring the space held for another, showing up and being present. It means taking FB off my phone to limit wasting time. It means sitting with a declining dog, giving comfort for the brevity of time. Having a high school senior also puts things in perspective--of motherhood and the fleeting of time. Yesterday, a fellow homeschool mom died from cancer (I remember when she was diagnosed four years ago). Another friend invited me into the sacred space of death, to pray for her friend who was told nothing more could be done. Oh, what have I wasted my time on? Other people's opinions of me? Jumping through hoops? Checking out on an app? Did I spend time well in 2020? Not always. And that was a lesson too.
I value maturity--what does that look like? Ripe. Fruitful. Measured. Composed. But sometimes, and my watch will attest, I felt shaken and stressed. Sometimes my thoughts gave way to full unbridled emotion. Sometimes, I couldn't show up in strength for what I champion, because I lacked patience or the right words. Sometimes I needed more time to think things out. And sometimes the best I could do was to stay quiet. Stay small. Very undeveloped. Very unfruitful. And very disappointed. Because I thought by now, at my age, I should have been stronger, confident.
If I say I value something, how did I show up for it? How did I champion it? And that has given me a lot to think about. How I love the Dumbledore quote, "It is not our abilities that show what we truly are ... it is our choices." Because we can say we value something all the day, but unless we make choices that support our values, it is all just vapid vanity.
I also learned to value myself--to exercise and take care of my health, heart, and body; to stop putting myself in emotionally/spiritually harmful situations. It was saying to myself, I care for you enough to champion you, protect you, encourage you. I will give you good foods to eat. I will give you good books to read. I will give you opportunity to be true to yourself in your pursuits. I will give you respect and limit or eliminate situations that surely will harm you.
I'm thankful for a deeper peek into value. Going forward, I will include it in my Day Story, and I will continue to highlight my values on my calendar so that I remember to honor those things, people, concepts throughout my days.
