What I'm saying yes to

friends at the table (mine, theirs, the coffee shop's) 

friends who make a way to be together 

friends who join me in the selfie 

friends who give the credit 

naps 

smoothies 

the weight training circuit

half marathons

duathlons (just signed up!)

volunteering at races

pursuing dreams

setting goals

Bible reading

lots of reading

gardening

chickens

making memories with my kids

laughing with my husband

encouragement (giving and receiving)

kindness

compassion

truth

freedom

endurance

focus

mentors

resources

perseverance

boundaries

knitting

writing

photography

my voice

new friends 

running

yoga

boxing

jump roping

tea parties

read alouds

biking

adventures

travel

hugs

authenticity

feelings

making plans 

taking steps

training

good smelling candles

cinnamon rolls

salads

pool days

running shoes

family time

bonfires

a picnic in the field, hiking

combat boots

happiness

peace

integrity

delight

good vibes

margin

level ten

hospitality

Worst

 As a follow up to best ...

Some of the worst investments. This is kind of hard to say. I think it's because there's an optimist and dreamer inside of me that always hopes for the best.

I saw a quote recently that expressed what I've always denied.

Silence. Sometimes staying silent was the worst way of investing my life. Being quiet about what was true, right, what made me uncomfortable, crossed boundaries, was downright wrong. Being silent to keep the peace because I felt that that was expected of me as a Christian. Don't make waves. Don't make other people uncomfortable--at the very expense of my own peace or comfort. There is a time to be silent. There is also a time to speak. I wish I had used my voice to honor others, to honor myself, to speak up and out for freedom. By being quiet, I lived in stress. I lived in tension. I was not true to myself, which, to me, is the very essence of failure (not living true to who God made me to be), living for the approval and acceptance of man.

Relationships. There were some relationships that were heavily one-sided. When I felt annoyed, burdened, slighted, used by meeting or exceeding someone's expectations, it was work. Things that had once been a joy and labor of love suddenly felt tainted by the expectation of performance. Broken down, it really became clear that some relationships were parasitic:

• I learned some people are big-time, gluttonous consumers--consuming time, consuming resources, consuming attention, consuming service. Giving those types way too much place in my life left me drained, stressed, and lonely/empty. 
• I learned that comparison is the thief of joy. There were relationships that seemed fueled by comparison--in resources, in presentation, in appearance, in action, in godliness, in ability--the list can go on. That attitude and way of life can weaken and corrode relationships and life force. People struggle with all sorts of insecurities, and I've learned that their comparison likely has little to do with me and my efforts as it does with them and their self image/insecurities/expectations.
  

 "Oh, that we could invest the best of ourselves for such a time (in a church, in a job, in a family, in a friendship, in a community, in a cause), and still fail. Still hurt. Still ache." At the Table, October 6, 2021.

The worst investments were those that left me feeling emptied. Barren. Depleted. Stressed. But even in those, there is learning and growing. And who knows how the lesson of experience might later bear fruit? Certainly, parasitic personalities have inadvertently been the fuel that helped me focus more on my own walk than to be distracted from the course. They've also taught me to pay attention, set boundaries, use my voice, and walk on.

What I'm saying no to

This is an excerpt from my dad's medical printout a year before he died. I once asked him if he could go back in time, what would he change. He said he'd have never started smoking as a teen--he did eventually quit smoking after having had two heart attacks and two heart surgeries. But there were a million other choices at any point in his life that could have prevented this list of daily meds and health failure. So much of this could have been avoided by lifestyle choices: diet and exercise specifically.

Daily meds: 

Finasteride, Furosemide, Glimepiride, Incruse Ellipta, Isosorbide mononitrate E, Lansoprazole, Levothyroxine Sodium, Lisinopril, Lo-dose Aspirin, Metoprolol Tartrate, Nitrostat, Plavix, Potassium Chloride Crys ER, Tamsulosin HCl, TraMADol HCl

And this:

acute renal insufficiency

anemia

angina pectoris

aortic valve insufficiency

aortic valve stenosis, unspecified etiology

benign hypertensive kidney disease with chronic kidney disease

benign localized prostate hyperplasia with lower urinary tract symptoms

coronary artery disease 

chronic obstructive pulmonary disease

diabetes mellitus with other specified manifestations

dyspnea on exertion

esophageal reflux

foraminal stenosis of lumbar region

generalized osteoarthritis of unspecified site

hearing impaired

hypercholestrerolemia

hypotension

hypothyroidism

insomnia

ischemic cardiomyopathy

leg swelling

lower back pain

lumbar canal stenosis

lumbar disk disorder with myelopathy

lumbar radiculopathy

nonautologous vein coronary bypass graft stenosis

obesity

osteoarthritis of hand

osteoarthritis of lumbar spine

otalgia of right ear

peripheral vascular disease

paroxysmal nocturnal dyspnea

peripheral vascular disease with claudication

renal insufficiency

sacroiliitis

somnolence, daytime

type 2 diabetes mellitus with manifestations--uncontrolled

***

THIS IS WHY I RUN. 

Day story

 December 2021

Outside my window, the trees are bare. The weeds are dead. The chickens are clucking and pecking away at the flock block. Some mornings there's frost on the ground. I love winter. It really is my favorite season, but only until February. March is from hell.

And I quote, "Pick your ass up and finish what you started."~Newt to Thomas, The Maze Runner (movie)

Giving thanks for a gym membership. I have been learning how to build supports in my life to accomplish the things I want to do. This past year, I played around with editing tech. I've read a ton of books about a variety of topics to solidify a knowledge base so that I can avoid costly mistakes and preventable failure. And since I don't want a lot of downtime from running, like I experienced last winter with snow and ice, I decided to set myself up for success and got a super sweet deal on a gym membership. I am thankful. Already just a few weeks in, I feel a new strength in the everyday act of climbing the stairs. And when I was struggling at first to do two sets of shoulder presses, now I can clear them without struggle. Improvements in such a short time. I'm thankful for my health and strength. I hope to make better food choices (of course, AFTER Christmas, right?!) and pursue new goals. My friend Dave told me about a book earlier this year (and again when I saw him recently) called Running With Raven. It's on my list to read (what isn't?). It challenges me to let go of limits.

In the school room, the barest minimum as we try to relax into Christmas week. This week is generally something I savor, but this year I've felt a tension. Crowds, hurry, impatience. It doesn't feel pleasant. So many people are masked, you don't even see their smiles. The dairy section at Wegmans yesterday was a mob scene. The parking lot was full of impatient drivers, not even caring about pedestrians, not even making eye contact. And one traffic light, impatient drivers honking--I have never experienced such a trigger level of impatience (they weren't honking at me, by the way, but I was witness to their impulse). So in our school room, at least today, I put new batteries in the fairy lights. I lit a delightful smelling candle (UnWined Teak or Tonka--it is coziness aflame). I have a fire in the woodstove. Piles of books untouched, but waiting. 

From the kitchen, I made Lanie's favorite chicken soup today for her lunch. Later, I hope to bake some peanut butter blossoms and journey cookies (oatmeal with chocolate chips). Tonight is Christmas Eve Eve (our new tradition). Lanie works late on Christmas Eve, so we celebrate the eve of the eve to carry on our tradition of Christmas nachos. A number of years ago, I offered up an Eve's gift of a book and the kids loved the idea. So now we do a book on Christmas Eve (Eve). I'm glad that's a tradition they like. Tomorrow I'll prep the dough for cinnamon rolls to bake off Christmas morning. And perhaps a French toast bake for Shane because he doesn't really like cinnamon rolls. I guess I'll save making the Irish Cream for next weekend. 

I don't want to forget this time as a family of four. I'm grateful for this time with the girls. I have loved it all. I'm grateful for our home and this life together. I try to push away the future threat and hold onto peace and innocence. A cry session yesterday, alone, over a decision he has to make. My heart breaks. And I don't have time or energy to spare to worry or grieve or fear. I have to keep my head and be present for what is right now. This is the life. Right now. Otherwise I've lost this moment too. I am thankful for a loving husband and my children.

I am reading Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. It's a science fiction book. It's entertaining despite my utter lack of experience or interest in video games, and the book's atheist promo early on and an unnecessary reference to virtual companions. Also reading Ink and Ashes by Valynne Maetani (with Erin) for our mystery book for school. I have a stack of other books to read, but the titles aren't nearby. Side note, I made a promise to myself not to buy any books in 2022 (unless curriculum) so that I can read through all the books I already own. I am also going to try to limit checking out books from the library because they sidetrack me from reading what I already own.

Around the house, a mess. Books. Boxes. Piles. Things not put away. And the Christmas decorations that make me feel claustrophobic the longer they remain out. Every day I think I'm going to get a grip on stuff, and all I manage is one task (usually laundry--read running clothes).

I am hearing the text tone Erin helped me make. A Hunger Games whistle. She put it on her phone too, but hers is a wonky recorder rendition that I absolutely love and would have for myself if I weren't a 50-something mom.

I value peace.

On the letter board: Delight

A view of my favorite things

 

writing today over on 66 Books

trail runners!

getting coffee from Dave

shirt by Christian Walker

Ruth was smiling so big

Erin and Cara

Erin baked Aunt Petunia's Pudding

this kid

while I was waiting for photos to load, an old favorite by Erwin

Primmy Prim Prim

Lena

At the table, looking forward to Christmas nachos tonight. And probably too many sweets. And falling asleep early by a warm fire. I think we always did Christmas nachos from our first years married. It was something easy, yummy, and casual. Christmas dinner is something else (oh, the year Erin wanted a feast! I remember it clearly and making the Brazilian rolls for her.). Merry Christmas, friends.

And still counting ... (15,911-16,035)

 a full moon eclipse in the morning with Lanie watching with me, a ripe bag of pears from Trader Joe's, being on the team, races for 2022, a new wall calendar to block off upcoming races and adventures

texts with Marshall's Mom, home fires, chickens bawking during a photoshoot, a crepe pan, long runs on the weekend

naps on the weekend, a trail walk with Erin, plans for my road bike in 2022, a really good book that put so much in perspective--a real blessing (It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn), an upbeat song in my heart

a new rotary grater, good sleep, vitamins, Shane, a 2022 goal planner

her stories about her tribe of friends, her laughter, her ambition, high school hangouts for Erin, comfy running clothes

chocolate milk, texts with Christy, party plans for Erin, athletes, carrots and hummus

focus boards, online mentors--thankful for this digital age where I can get solid encouragement and direction from mentors I've never even met, chocolate covered cherries, pizza night, a spot at the finish line

a foggy November morning full of mood, maple coffee, pumpkins for the chickens from the mechanics, high pony tails, a word for next year

that man of mine to spot me up the stairs, for compassion and caring in the unexpected, for a good sleep even with a bad back, for a drive that wants to push past, and a husband who knows when to apply the brakes

comfort chocolate, a beautiful sunrise, 5 miles before the time out, chickens talking to me at the run, the anticipation of the season, expectancy and hope

potato fries seasoned with garlic/salt/pepper, leftovers, Cindy's apple pie, the Thanksgiving card from Stella, canceled plans

a cheese and cracker plate that he made for me and the time he took to arrange it all so it would look nice, yoga for back pain, the feeling of vertebrae popping back into place, the ornament shopping post-Thanksgiving

a longer walk with hills to ease back into activity, a Christmas tree up, the kids decorating it, a mouse ornament for Erin, a chicken ornament for me

lots of family laughter, how good home feels, wreaths on French doors, chickens peering through the windows, a call from Denise

a wreath for the coop, another year coming to an end on 66 Books, the writers who made it through with me, time in the Word, the waiting

integrity in 2021, endurance, truth, faith, strength

a half-marathon running group of encouragement, sticky notes on the calendar to block off races, Erwin, Kellie, Jen

garlic bread with salted butter, my man, and his determination while his back is out to keep pressing on, closed stores on a shopping trip with Erin, the fiery burn of wasabi

returning writers on 66 Books, another year to read through the Bible together, for giving me a heart's desire again and again, sushi, half and half for my coffee

her elected title of Vice President, finals week, all the doors opening for her, chicken hat making with Erin, mini pom-poms on top of little hats

matzoh crackers with peanut butter, read alouds with Erin (Jekyll & Hyde), a ham and cheese sandwich on toasted bread with mayo and mustard, the flooding of compassion I felt out and about today when I engaged with people in this world, her awesome lesson with her piano teacher 

a ten-minute snooze, the soreness in my upper body after the weights workout, holding discomfort with kindness (at least, trying) when I stick to a boundary to honor my decision, Christmas music in the house, chickens in conversation at a doctor appointment

that big beautiful birthday cake Erin made, a gym workout, insulated running tights, Trader Joe's European-style Whole Milk Yogurt

chickens in hats, the soothing scents of candles, a chicken on a Christmas card, the wonderful calm and delight the week before Christmas, peanut butter smoothies decked out with whipped cream and chocolate syrup

the morning gym crowd, Altra shoes in 2022 (alas, in June, but still so excited!), fleece everything, for each and every day in your perfect plan, freedom in Christ

Lucy Gray

Lena--this year's card picture

Prim, looking fierce!

Best

At the end of the PowerSheets planner, there's a year in review of bests and favorites--like music, books, habits, adventures, meals, etc., and one that's a blank to be filled in by the goal-getter, a proclamation of a best fill in the blank not already covered.

I chose investments. 

My best investments as they came to mind for the year:

66 Books. I invest in my relationship with God through his word and time in his word. I set aside specific time to meet with him, to quiet my heart, to learn at his feet. I've been doing this since 2009, through all sorts of situations that have stretched me, but time in God's word was never a pressure or burden. In fact, it was a reprieve, a release, and a restoration. And any of the trials I've been through would have been all the more difficult if I hadn't had the peace that surpasses understanding walking alongside me in such a real way. The other cool part--the people God has brought into my life this year, and the yeses I've received for next year.

My family. I invested in my family by homeschooling, tending, even tidying. I invested in offering guidance and support to my kids, time together, and realigning interests and goals to underscore my care for my family. These are the people dearest to me, and they deserve the best of me. 

Homesteading. The chickens, the future raised gardens, the gardens we had going already. This has been a great project with Erin, who will likely be even more involved as we build the beds and put plans in action. Gardening is a dying or lost skill. Investing in sustainable activities after a year of hit-or-miss shelves at the store feels like a reset to basics. I'm glad to learn it and teach it to my kids.

My heart at the table with friends. This has always been a worthwhile investment. In all honesty, Ruth has changed so much in our lives, especially our ability to host social activities. I have still managed to meet with friends outside of the home over a coffee, tea, cocoa, or rice bowl. Making space for someone, seeking them out, including them--it says love. And time together is my love language.

My health. I recently got a gym membership, and what an investment! The cost itself is just under a dollar at twice a week--I'll be there more if the weather is bad. (I prefer running outside more than the treadmill, but I don't run in snow or ice.) I got the membership. Signed up for the tour and a training recommendation. And today, I set my alarm for 3:15 a.m. Shane gently nudged me when he got up at 3, so I got up then too. I made his sandwich, fixed coffee, fed the dog, got ready and was walking into the gym doors by 4:30 a.m. I ran two miles on the treadmill (today is a light day after yesterday's long run), and I did a full body workout with weights. I was home by six. I look at exercise and its expenses as investments (this also includes running shoes), but it's also an investment of time. For the fitness, for the energy, for the results, for the opportunities it gives me, for the strength--what I spend in time or dollars seems like nothing for the return I get. If I counted it in dollars, I'd be one of the richest people walking. But I count it in quality of life, and there's no price for that.

I met a guy over the weekend, and in the course of the discussion, he said he was forty-six and not about to take up (his random example) at that age. I thought of him when I got home that day and started to make a plan about how I was going to increase my mileage to be ready for spring races; how I was going to manage 66 Books and the hustle of the end of the year and beginning of a new year; how I was going to show up to my commitments this year and next year; and how was I going to work in a gym workout twice a week so that I could still perform my other duties without negative impact. That latter one meant I would wake up an hour earlier two times a week. For what I get out of it? It's one hundred percent worth it. 

Worth more than two hours a week of sleep. Worth more than time wasted online. Worth more than whatever comfort would keep me stagnant.

In many situations, I think people make excuses because either they fail to see the value of the work and the value of the investment, or they don't want to upend their comfortable life and comfortable limits. They will never know the riches they forfeit in favor of ease. 

Of all the things I've invested in this year, each one has returned so fruitfully, making me think you really do reap what you sow. 

As I think over the best investments, it does give me thought of the worst ones--because some things don't hold value, they steal it. I'll follow up later on that.

Delight

My focal word for the month is delight. December is a beautiful, wintry month. I love the holiday lights. I love the flavors and aromas of cookies, coffees, teas, spices, and savory meals. I love the sounds of Christmas music in the car, in the house, and out and about. I love the waiting in Advent. I love the reflection on the coming of a savior to save us. I wanted to make sure to delight in these things, and I chose the word to be a reminder to delight in instead of being distracted by--concerning news on my feed, vicious attitudes online, segregation and discrimination, fear, hatred. 

I choose delight. 

I choose to delight in a savior who said to not worry, because he has overcome the world. 

I choose to delight in a God who tells me to delight in him, and he will give me the desires of my heart.

And when a season was wrapping up on the blog, I wondered as I always do: will there be a next year? 

Shane says I wonder every year, but these past two years have felt different. Normally months ahead out of the blue someone will ask if 66 Books is continuing in the next year, and I have always taken that as my "yes" from God, and I have happily responded, "Yes." 

But last year there was no one who questioned. I pressed on and we had a good, full and fruitful year on the blog. And again this year, there was no question, but I posed it to our group.

And then I sat and waited. In the waiting, I had to come to terms that seasons in life end. That one day, I would know that the blog had run its course and I would shut it down. It has been a daily part of my life since 2008. I have been a weekly writer since 2010. It has been a touchstone for me in many seasons of my life. 

Since I started blogging on it, I have worked through so many changes in life--a move, a diagnosis, deaths, enormous responsibilities, homeschooling my kids. It was a place where I found comfort in God's Word, and guidance. I found his promises. And hope.What would I do without the rhythm in my life? Who would I become? 

To be honest, I have known contributors who've fallen away from the faith, stopped church or Bible study--and I know how this community of believers have been my home church when we weren't in a building. Oh, if it stopped, if I stopped--would my heart grow cold? (I need God in every part of my life.)

But then I was filled with gratitude for the many years that we have had on the blog, the many people I've met online because of it--Erwin is a true and dear brother to me. Heather just sent me a Christmas card and brings me into personal spaces in her life. One day I hope to run with Mandy. And I really hope to squeeze in a visit with Jen when we travel south. Many others I stay in touch with through social media. It has been a very real blessing to my heart. When community has sometimes been a struggle for me, they were the warriors on the field with me. They are mighty men and women. 

I would delight in the wait. I would delight for the journey. I would delight in the Lord no matter the outcome and trust in his timing. 

I am thankful, as of last night, we are full for another year--with a couple spaces left if we go to a 7-day plan. 

I am so grateful. Always grateful. 

Thank you, God. Thank you for these friends. Thank you for another year in your word. Thank you for this community.

Like stepping back in time

There are certain things that take me back in time. Some, I can't eat anymore, like the white chip/chocolate chip cookies we used to make and freeze. Or buttered (gluten) bread with apple butter. But some I still enjoy, like homemade strawberry preserves. Or this recipe for soup. I looked it up once online and found a different recipe that was all kinds of horrible. But this recipe is the one that tastes like I remember my mom's soup. 

Cabbage Soup

olive oil

chopped carrots, thinly sliced celery (about 2 ribs), 1/2 onion (small dice), 2 cloves garlic (minced)

1/2 head cabbage, thinly sliced

1 can diced tomatoes

1 box bone broth chicken stock

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

1/2 teaspoon thyme

Parmesan cheese (grated from the wedge)

Heat oil. Add carrots, celery, onion and garlic. Cook a few minutes. Add cabbage. Cook a few more minutes. Add everything but the cheese. Simmer about 20 minutes.

Ladle into a bowl. Use a rotary grater and grate cheese over the soup. 

It's delicious. It's simple. It's healthy. It's comforting. 

When you need a mama's hug and comfort in the world, and you don't have a mama to be that, make this soup. Close your eyes. Be a child again, held and loved. It's like stepping back when everything seemed possible and you never had to worry. 

My childhood wasn't exactly that, if you know about my parents and my story. But, as in all stories, there are good memories. Also, my mom used to use shredded mozzarella cheese, but I like Parmesan better. Especially grated from a wedge, which is a lovely and authentic substitute to the shaker. 

As a side note, my mom always used to put Parmesan (shaker) cheese on chili. Maybe we ran out of cheddar, and that was a substitute, but I grew up thinking that was how it was done, as that's how we always did it. I always used mozzarella in my soup because that's how my mom did it. But today, I thought that Parmesan would be a better addition, and I love it. 

Another favorite meal: my mom used to take boxed mac-n-cheese and make a casserole out of it with stewed tomatoes, broccoli, and mozzarella cheese. It was another favorite, but I've never tried to recreate that. I also loved when she'd add tuna to mac-n-cheese. Wouldn't touch it now, though.

Endurance

Integrity showed me the long road, and that in order to walk it and finish, I'd need endurance.

Endurance to run the race marked out for me.

 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. Hebrews 12:1-3, NLT, emphasis mine

Endurance: the ability to withstand hardship or adversity; especially the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful event or activity. The act or an instance of enduring or suffering. Permanence, duration. 

Synonyms: abidence, ceaselessness, continuance, continuation, durability, duration, persistence, subsistence.

These quotes were meaningful to me this year:

"Endurance is not just the ability to bear the hard thing, but to turn it into glory." ~William Barclay

Also,

This means that God’s holy people must endure persecution patiently and remain faithful. Revelation 13:10b, NLT

Endurance is physical, emotional and spiritual. A friend and I texted about concerns, and I likened the situation to a weather forecast--it tells us the storm is coming so we can prepare. We can't stop the storm, but we can endure it. 

In 2022, I hope to build my long-run base to 13 miles. I'm also looking forward to new races, new distances and new challenges (hello duathlon!) Also, a quote by Joyce Meyer reminds me, "You cannot live by feelings and ever have victory in your life," which helps me to wrap my head around the game instead of living distracted by circumstance.

But the one who stands firm (endures!) to the end will be saved. See this link.

It's amazing how many distractions can keep you from seeing the real issues. 

All these years, all the challenges, all the tears, they were building my endurance. Silly me, to ever think they were beating me down instead of building me up. Perspective changes everything.

I remember when I first started running, doing a quarter-mile was nearly impossible, but I stuck with it every day for a month, and then I built up. Systematically. Each bump up brought new challenges, but it was the training of the months before that allowed me to meet the challenges, prepared, strong, able. If I tried to run three miles that first week, I would have been discouraged, injured, and probably would not have endured to this point. 

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11, NIV

Sometimes I think of discipline as punishment, but it's not. It's teaching and training. And it's in the teaching (learning), training, and persistence against challenges that endurance is built. 

What's your word for 2022?

Integrity

Honest. Strong. Sound. Complete. Incorruptible. 

I never imagined the way this word would affect my year: Integrity.

I was focusing on "yes means yes and no means no," when in the past I knew that I second guessed myself and had trouble with following through. My people pleasing tendencies got me into a tug-of-war between sides. I always felt in the middle of situations. Integrity meant that I picked a side.

I chose my daughter--to champion her vision and goals. To stand by her side when she made difficult decisions. I knew her heart and her reasons.

I chose my family--to honor and value their position. My inability to make everyone happy also resulted in my own stress. Integrity would force me to choose. Funny that I felt my bending to someone's will would bring peace when it actually brought turmoil, and when I knew that a choice would bring turmoil (and it sometimes did), it also brought peace.

I chose myself too. I examined my beliefs. Some hills aren't worth dying on. And others are. I got really clear on that. 

Integrity is the strength to stand alone instead of bending to the pressure of the crowd (or even an individual). It is the strength to stand under attack. It is the strength to champion values. It is keen discernment to champion truth and freedom. It is walking away from or standing up to situations and people who mean to harm your body or your soul, no matter the cost. 

This year I learned to stand by my daughters so that they would learn to stand up for themselves and what they believe in.

I learned when you get clear on an issue, it clears out a lot of people in your life: People who get mad when they can't intimidate or manipulate you. People who no longer gain off you when a "yes" becomes "no." People who don't want to face the discomfort of their own choices or their lack of conviction.

I'm thankful for the challenge. I faced my own discomfort in my choices. I confronted my excuses so that I would get clear on what matters. I'm thankful for opened doors and closed doors. It was better to lose some people and opportunities along the way than to lose my heart, my health, even my peace.

Integrity was a word that was born from 2020's word of value. And throughout this year, integrity whispered, "Endurance."