The good yarn

(He) had prepared a bucket of remnant yarns to give me. (She) handed it to me soon after he died, telling me of how he put it together for me, and wondered to her, "Do you think she'll like it?" (I sometimes wonder if this was the joke. At the time, I wasn't aware of the significance--rather, insignificance--of this gesture. Remnants. The things he no longer had use for because he had already used what and as much as he wanted. Later, a brief joy would turn to long sorrow, turn to weighted pain.) The little bucket of remnants sits untouched, still, in a darkened corner of my closet.

I didn't realize the occasions I talked to Jenne, she was actually taking on my memories, taking on my pain, and holding it for me. Like The Giver, she held my memories. And once, she reached into the archive and summed it up, about the "good yarn". She reduced it down to that. It pierced me.

I turned to We Are Knitters and ordered kits. A baby hat. A scarf. A baby blanket. And just recently, Purl Soho and their very lovely knitting patterns (I've subscribed to them for YEARS and YEARS, never dreaming to purchase from their store, and yet dreaming anyway), I was quickly smitten with the Bobble Scarf and the Dumpling Bag projects (I sent the free patterns to Shane to print out for me. He made me laugh in response to the Dumpling Bag: "The Dumpling Bag sounds cu-it. Is that for me?"). 

And then, I ordered the good yarn (smiles, they were on sale for 25% off). Cattail silk. Blackbird linen. I ordered circular needles specific to the projects. My very own. And to top it off for free shipping, the little gold scissors. I ordered these for myself. 

I received the package the other day. I noticed the texture and details of the yarns. The delicate size of the needles. The merry sparkle of the scissors--and they were so much smaller than I imagined that I held them and smiled--everything precious. That moment, I held a little dream. The good yarn. And not a remnant--but enough to complete projects. A small splurge--the tiny, golden scissors--now mine.

This year, I gave myself a focus in spending, to support my goals, to not be wasteful but intentional. Knit projects in the ready. 

I remember how I once thought, so long ago, "I will buy my own yarns."

And I did.  

And still counting ... (18,209-18,277)

 the hug from my swim instructor on my first day back to the pool after the tri, glass bottled milk in the fridge

the numbers fading on my arm, swimming, peas growing in the garden, the red cardinal surveying the beds, chickens free ranging

Greek vanilla yogurt from the farm, ball with Ruth, the work of becoming, volunteer dates on the calendar, chilly weather

rain, the new swim-bike-run long-sleeve hoodie shirt, the feeling of swimming laps in preparation for whatever is next, good books to read, 66 Books

texts with Denise N., texts with Nora, phone dates with Marshall's Mom, his surprise that I did the video and posted it, being comfortable in my own skin

having Erin back for the weekend, solid hugs, when Lanie FaceTimed me and all of us were in the room together, reflections of a school semester, homeschooling

Aegis (my bike), 10-a-day push-up challenge for a month (starting somewhere!), clean clothes, quality food, good sleep

my swim instructor, swim videos on Ig, dreams, goals, Abs of Steel 2000

archives, burrata, Jammy Pasta, garlic bread, the lighting over the kitchen table on a foggy Saturday morning

silence, the deafening sound of frog song returned, showers after a muggy run, the drive to the farm with Erin, the cows

ice cream sandwiches, the three of us walking around the mall, earrings for Erin, lightning bugs, green smoothies

strawberry kombucha, how Nora saw the growth and told me about it, holy water and salt, Denise N. with gifts and prayer in hand, how she prayed over me in an embrace and I realized how precious it is to have this kind of love

Duolingo streaks, French exercises, books on France, clean hair, the shirt I got from the Asheville half marathon

chilly days to wear it, the yes from the board, and that I would have been ok with a no, knowing my worth, value

cardinals in the yard, the bird family in the flower box

And still counting ... (18,127-18,208)

Erin's piercing, the guy who performed it and took the time to be super kind, the overwhelming positivity of the company, his insight into the industry

raspberry kombucha, broccoli salad (I could eat this every day), a humid run, a book about triathlon (Good Luck on Your Marathon by Laura Smith), bonking heads with Shane and laughing

work in the front garden, the chicken group, that I can wear my own swim cap!!!! (big hair vs standard cap problems), the yogurt from the farm, a Monday virtual walk with Marshall's Mom

racing nerves, TRS, socks on my feet, menu plans, 8 o'clock chill-out time with Shane

the lush of summer, long days, early starts, being a chicken mom, how she texts me about the things she's looking forward to about coming home 

how her most memorable (so far) experience is the new church, how she felt welcome and safe there and wished it could be transplanted here, a gentle rain, a swim lane to myself, nail polish for these horrid toenails

mixed berries in glass serving dishes, miles in new running shoes, her new piercing, no flip turns!, pony tails in the mail

a safer street view, a loyalty--however misplaced, big fluffy clouds, ice cream and brownie mix to make ice cream sandwiches, taco night

Trader Joe's, magnesium lotion, my pillow, clean water, June

good quotes, her chatter in preparation, the yummy smelling hair oil from Trader Joe's, a soaking rain, packet pick up

the 'good luck' message on my race packet, Erin with me, the smell of chlorine at the race venue, families at the pool on summer break, simple things in life

a teammate with a back-up charger, Cat at the cabin at drop off, really friendly CITs, a better cabin, Ruth at home

teammates who encourage and inform, volunteers on race day, water that wasn't shockingly cold, being on the team, the tri magnet

swim-bike-run, great weather, sunscreen, meeting people, Melissa with me at the 360 camera

pom-poms to celebrate my first tri, sharpie markings on my arms still, duolingo in French, next-day muscle soreness, Ruth on my blanket

honey from Cindy's hives, upcoming volunteer dates, Prim and Lena, FaceTime with Lanie, how she noticed the flowers in the pitcher

Justin's mention of Life Skills, knit projects in queue, high quality yarn of my own

Next day remembrance--all joy. Thank you, God.

 

Tri-day

 Best day. Great race. Amazing people. Lifelong memories.

The night before the race, I went to charge my watch and the charger wouldn't work. I should have seen this coming, because the connector needed jiggling recently. It tried to connect with the watch, but then somehow ate 50% of my already low battery. A quick message to the team for an extra charger--Ricky and Erin saved the day. I charged my watch to 80% in the car the morning of the race. (Promptly ordered back up chargers Saturday and received them Sunday afternoon!)

We had a 3 a.m. wake up to have coffee and pack up. Got to the venue at 6 a.m. where I got the charger from my teammates to charge my watch. Set up my bike and gear in the transition. Got my ankle strap and arm markings. Then we waited.

There were two tri segments going on: sprint and super sprint. I chatted a teammate who was doing super sprint too. She's a veteran triathlete and shared so much with me as we watched the sprint athletes take the pool. Then it was our turn to line up. 

My teammate, Amy, was ahead of me. Then it was my turn. The second my face felt the water, I completely blanked on what felt routine during swim practices--about reaching, rotating, counting my breaths, keeping my butt elevated. I have no idea what I looked like, but I didn't have time to care. I got through the course and moved to transition to grab my bike. I had a clumsy mount, but got going and kept my speed up. It was a blast. (I love biking!) When I got back to transition, a teammate exclaimed, "You just left!" 

The first bit of the run was over grass fields, and Amy said she usually walked that to get her legs back after the bike. I walked it because the marked course was narrow, the ground uneven, and I wanted to make sure my heart rate settled before I started the run. But the grass went on too long, and I started to run anyway. Stopped at an aid station to grab a water to wash the blood off my leg (clumsy mount--my pedals have effective spikes, and I mistakenly rubbed against them with my calf). 

The run was mostly shaded, and a welcome covering since it was warming up. I crossed the finish line before I knew it, just after an 81-year-old man who crushed it! (I want to be like that when I'm 81!)

I felt great! I was happy! I never imagined I'd even sign up for a triathlon, let alone finish it. Definitely ranks up there as one of the best days, and definitely an amazing, redemptive, positive, and victorious Father's Day. 

I'm glad this race was on Father's Day. It's deeply meaningful to me that I got to race, to do something that scared me a little, to feel the joy of the culmination of all that training, and to do it for myself--and especially on this day. When I first answered the question: Why do you run? The answer is still--because I don't want to be like my dad. I don't want to live like he did, and I don't want to die like he did. (Did I love my dad? Absolutely. You can love someone without wanting to be like them. Also, I'd rather die running a marathon than choosing a sedentary, atrophic life.)

Memento vivere.

Shout out to Shane, for getting up early on the weekend to support me in this endeavor. Haha, he missed me crossing the finish line this time, but I tell you, NOTHING could diminish my joy yesterday--not a watch issue, not a bike bumble, not anything. The finish line was super personal that day anyway.

Thank you, God, for everything. Happy Father's Day. 

Love,

Your daughter 

Did it.

hazy-ish

Team! Josh, Ricky and Erin

Huge support!

getting set up in transition

Amazing athlete and so encouraging

Love him!

The calm before the race. I loved the smell of chlorine and the very community vibe.

With Amy and Susie

Amy and Melissa

I felt so free

 

Back to the gym and swim, because I want that swim to be the easiest part of it for me. Back to running. And some biking for good measure. I'm training for next year's triathlon! 

• Remembering the kid's expression while we talked in line and I mentioned I was doing the sprint-tri too--he looked so relieved and at ease after that. 
• Ricky telling me how he beat his times from last year across the board. This is such a great perspective--it's about being better than who you were before. 
• Melissa doing the 360-camera with me post race.
• How Akeem did this race as his first tri two years ago, and just completed an Ironman 70.3 last weekend. 
• The joy I felt at no flip turns, and I got to wear my big-hair swim cap.
• The smell of the chlorine the day before at packet pick up. The absolute feel of summer vacation with the families at the pool.  
• The 'good luck' note on my race envelope, and a smiley face drawn on the bar sticker at transition.
• Teammates who lend a charger.
• Teammates volunteering throughout the race bringing all the positive energy to everyone rising through the ranks.
• The freedom I felt on the bike.
  

 

Aoli

I searched my cabinet three times over in the hopes of locating paprika. When I couldn't find it, I used this substitute: Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend. And, to my amusement, as I returned it to the cabinet, it had been sitting next to the jar of paprika. So I finished it off with a shake of that too.

Aoli

• Mayo (about 1/3-1/2cup)
• Lemon zest (a teaspoon-ish)
• Garlic, minced (the original recipe called for 1 clove, I used 3 cloves, lol)
• Scallion, minced
• TJ Sriracha Seasoning Blend, a few robust shakes
• Paprika, an honorable mention

I don't always measure things, and often use recipes as a general guideline, not law.

I used this spread on grilled chicken sandwiches, topped with sliced tomato and avocado. The aoli gains momentum the second day.

I first sampled this seasoning blend at a local store, shaken over buttered popcorn. The heat was addictive. It has a nice after-burn on the sandwich too. Trader Joe's has my favorite spices and seasonings, way cheaper than their competitors, except, perhaps, Badia.

And still counting ... (18,052-18,126)

the church service she attended, the warm welcome she received, her excitement to return to their Tuesday group, texts

pleasant temperatures, salad from my garden, Ruth relentlessly at my side, new running shoes, good sleep

the warm welcome she received at the Tuesday group, a four-day work week for her, her summer class, her hilarious roomie, the drive-thru

the library (lovely!), and that she sent me the picture, the music stand out in the school room, recorder practice with Erin (and my part is all muscle memory--I've forgotten what's what), Ruth

sweet blackberries, a long run, the leafy fullness of trees in our yard, the scent of wild berry bushes in the woods, the property marker(s)

postcards in the mail for my students, the model kits (the "homeschool" room, the "poetry tea" and the cat house), the warmth of sunshine, owls calling in the daytime, the relief of summer

the farm store where the barn kittens are, being swarmed by barn kitties (and by swarm, I mean 5), clean workout clothes, milk in the fridge, the blanket and dish towels like the ones at the VRBO (so weighted and delightful to touch)

a swim at the gym, naps, spinach from my garden, smoothies for dinner, the phone holder in my car

all the nerves I feel leading up to the tri, orange-ginger-mint tea, that we have chickens, a chat with Kristine, steak and veggies on the grill

50-degree weather for morning running, clean laundry, stress levels in cool blue, the big red star ball and kicking it around with Erin on a sunny day, watermelon

the rich investments of time together, all the summer books to read, a duet with Erin on recorder, pool swims on schedule, stick stakes for pea plants

a no co-op Monday, a "walk" with Marshall's Mom, accountability, following through, a great reading on 66 Books (Proverbs 5-8 and Matthew 7)

worth and value, reading books with Erin on the couch, a good swim session, a ripe and juicy mango, races in queue

clean air, breathing, a delightful drive to another town, a coffee shop I want to try, FaceTime with Lanie

banana chocolate chip bread still warm from the oven, a pool water delivery, Ruth's faithfulness, Scriptures, the fullness of the season

friends

This I know

From time to time, I scroll past posts that ask things like "what would you say to a new runner in four words" or "what would you tell your younger self in xxx amount of words", etc. And from time to time, I pause to read the comments or to think of the question for myself. 

For my younger self, I would have wanted to impress the importance of following Jesus. Oh, how that would have saved me a lot of yuck and confusion in life. 

But as I notice people around me, younger and older, and even what I'd have said to myself five, ten, twenty, forty years ago, I'd say this: 

Know your worth.

I loved a story I read about an old watch. It's so simple and true--not everyone will value something (or someone) the same, but that doesn't change the item's inherent value. So you have to know your worth--and thankfully, God has provided a foundation for one to build upon.

• made in the image of God
• he chose us in him, before the creation of the world
• knit together in a mother's womb--fearfully and wonderfully made
• plans made in advance--to give a hope and a future--a purpose
• the one sheep he'd leave the flock to find
• how he dresses the lilies, how much more will he clothe you
• that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us
• he knows the number of hairs on a head, and that not even a sparrow's passing goes unnoticed, he values us all the more
• God does not forget us, catches our very tears, promises to be with us to the very end
• he calls (us) daughters and sons
• we are co-heirs with Christ, adopted, chosen, ambassadors

I've learned to thank God for closed doors, for ended relationships, dead ends. Slights and exclusions, not a problem. I laugh at them now, and wish I could go back and hold up the chin of that younger me who was wounded by someone's definition of value. Perhaps I would have arrived to the task a lot faster! 

Once I'd made a long banner to drape on our cherry tree's branches in celebration for a friend's daughter. I thought of that banner yesterday. I thought about the heart, the planning, the determination and time it took to consider the details of a special day. I thought of the joy in my heart to provide hospitality and intention, for someone to feel valued and included. I plan to hang the banner up this week for a table for two, to celebrate life "just because" with my daughter. While my friend and her daughter may have just seen a table setting for a lunch on their busy day, it doesn't define all the things that went into a moment. Whatever their thoughts of that day, they only defined what the offering meant to them--not what it meant to me. 

Moving into this month contemplating value and worth. Honoring God with what he's given me to steward, and knowing that it's his pleasure and delight in my growth and actions that make it all worthwhile. Knowing too that a lot of people don't live with a kingdom focus, and need the love of Jesus. And grateful that there's only one "well done" that really matters, and he's been rooting for me all along.  

(For anyone who has shown up, done the work, pursued excellence, put in the hours, invested their heart, dared to hope, gave their best, thought outside the box, or more--he's rooting for you too! He knows your worth.)

Day story

 June 2023

Outside my window, a lush, green explosion. I hear the song of birds. Rabbits and baby bunnies sample clover. I see woodpeckers among the trees. And the fullness of trees. Soon, big blue will be open, and every kitchen view will hold it.

And I quote, 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 4-8, NIV

Giving thanks for blue skies, texts from Lanie, a full summer before us. Giving thanks for books to read, fresh milk, a growing garden, and omelets. Giving thanks for a swimming pool to practice in, a comfy bike ride, and running shoes. Giving thanks for truth.

In the school room, the table is clear. We still have books along the base of the couch, and Erin is newly stocked with miniature model kits for the summer. She's doing great with them. Music stand is back out, and our piano is getting attention again (Lanie played the keyboard in her room and our school room piano sat neglected for a long time.). Recorder and piano practice going strong. And a knit project is on the horizon.

From the kitchen, blackberries, blueberries, watermelon, carrots and hummus, green smoothies, omelets. Yum.

I am swimming. A year ago, I never even considered it.

I don't want to forget the explosive power and potential of action. If I never tried to run past the bend in the driveway, I never would have completed a mile, never would have run a 5k, never would have run a 10k, never would have tried out for the team, never would have run a half marathon, never would have completed a duathlon, never would have considered a triathlon. All from a one-day wonder, "What if?" This moment in time, I never imagined it back then. Never imagined going past five miles. Wasn't even sure I'd make it to one mile. Grateful for every day I can run and move this body. A year ago, I never even considered triathlon. A year ago in June, I volunteered at the finish line of the triathlon I'm competing in this year. I had no idea even then. No idea.

I am reading, or rather about to read: a couple of books by Craig Groeschel, and Alex Rider Point Blank by Anthony Horowitz.

On the letterboard: "Let the fun begin" about to change to "enjoy every moment" after a podcast by Hal Elrod.

I value home.

A view of my favorite things

This is a library.

Shane asked, "Weren't you 26 the other week?" Haha, yes.

 

Cressida

At the table, we are three. Lanie is interning for the summer out of state. I miss her at morning coffee. I miss her random appearances to catch me up on her day or what's on her mind. I miss how she'd make sure all drawers and cabinets were closed completely. I miss how she'd have clean dish towels out. Glad for the so-far daily texts she sends. Glad she's making awesome memories. Glad she's doing new things and being independent. Glad she's got these opportunities. Glad she's taking ownership of her future--even attending church and young adult meet-ups on top of working full time and taking a summer class. We raise up these kids to leave the nest. But, wow, considering the last twenty years, my job has been a stay-at-home mom, this is definitely a shift in perspective.