And I quote

"A salty pagan, full of the juices of life, is a hundred times dearer to God, and also far more attractive to men, than a scribe who knows his Bible ... in whom none of this results in repentance, action, and above all, death of the self. A terrible curse hangs over the know-it-all who does nothing." Helmut Thielicke

"We modern Christians are long on talk and short on conduct ... it is easier to pray, 'Lord, help me carry my cross daily' than to pick up the cross and carry it." A. W. Tozer

"Sometimes it's OK to be the villain in the made up story that these people got going on in they mind. Because I'm telling you that I'm OK that in your story I'm the villain. Because you're the clown in mine--a whole clown." A mostly accurate quote from a woman I don't know, but whose verbal expression made me laugh harder each time I listened to it. This is awesome. And refreshing.

"How do you expect to stop the devil if you don’t believe he’s real?" Stranger Things, Season 4, episode 6, Jason  

"We are at war. And a warrior does not mourn the ones she's lost until after the battle is won." (The 100, "Mount Weather War", Indra) 

 

 

"Remember all of these 'friends' on Facebook posting their 'WINS' rarely post any of their 'L's' don't get all caught up in what they want you to see, their shit is just as messed up as your shit." A guy I knew in high school who posted this on Facebook. I'm sure his post wasn't about running or me (lol because I've never placed on the podium), but it is about people doing things he is not.

I'm glad when people post their wins, and I'm happy to celebrate them. Their 'win' shows strength and resiliency. It shows that they aren't going to let their losses and crap hold them back from living their lives. Please don't follow his line of thought--the mentality of justifying or pacifying your place in life by focusing on seeing or searching for the crap in other people or minimizing their accomplishment in light of their struggles. Don't be like the crabs in the pot of warming water who try to pull another from escaping back into the pot with them. 

People who want to chip away at someone's happy day--even if it's only in their own mind--probably haven't pursued or 'won' anything recently. And they don't want anyone else to win anything either. 

Every athlete I know knows the work that goes into starting and finishing. They cheer each other on--it's why I love this community. (It's interesting to me that the most support I get is from people who value the work because they're working too.)

It's ok to get "caught up" in someone's win. That's what a friend does, because they know the win isn't about them, and they don't try to make it about them in their silence and withholding. If you'd rather focus on someone's faults or failures or compare your life to theirs, it says more about you than it does them.

"L"s aren't losses. They're lessons. And people who win, learn from them.

However, for those who want to stay planted in that camp: I haven't officially 'won' anything. I get a medal when I cross the finish line. Everyone who crosses the finish line gets a medal. 

The real win for me is actually being the person who got off the couch to even try, and in that respect, I'm winning (almost) every day.

And still counting ... (18,532-18,632)

cool mornings, dirt for the chicken run, the peppermint coffee creamer (even better than pumpkin spice), running shoes

a day at the amusement park with Erin, revisiting a roller coaster I did in 7th grade, looking at my daughter as we plummeted the rushing hills and feeling all the emotions of this beautiful life at equal rushing speed, cold snacks kept cool with ice packs, the man who added us to his family for the fast track bypass

an endless blue sky, sun on my skin, safe travels, that Lanie was having an equally awesome day with friends on campus and sent me picture updates capturing the merriment, everything about September

the ridiculous thrill of the ride's drop, that Erin and I faced that fear together, being a participant instead of a spectator, a holiday weekend with my guy, running into Dr K at the gym

French lessons, texts with Christy, a next school year, the rush of plans we're making for recreation, running

pool swims in big blue, Mass with Lanie and Denise and her family, green smoothies, the sounds of crickets and locusts, peace

fig jam, sweaty runs, time at the table with Sharon, how she'd thought we'd only been there an hour (it was much longer!), texts with Amy

resolve, September days, a later start to the school year, honest conversations, purging tears

a hot and hilly race, seeing teammates, a medieval study, a farmer's market on a sunny afternoon, tea cups with Erin

all the stripey sweaters, a Main Street walk, peace, grace, hope

feet in the pool, 66 Books, good study, the feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, later sunrises

earlier evenings, a last splash in the pool--jumping in, how good the cold water felt, fall at home, covering up big blue until next summer

a rainy Sunday, a musical concert celebrating Dr K's 80th birthday, Lanie on the stage with him turning pages, salty butter on garlic bread, a wool blanket

what sobriety does, a gift from my sister, a gift from Marshall's Mom, September weather, a request for senior photos and a fall shoot

making new training plans, lap lanes, a cycle class, a weight-training class, long-sleeve shirts

comfy jeans, an EPIC workout that told me about it the next morning, feet back in slippers, soups in queue, half and half for my coffee

hot pillows on a chilly day, warm and dry clothes, a seat on the paddle board, spinach from the garden for smoothies, an afternoon nap

registering for a dream race next year, tourist guide books in the mail, Denise N and her beautiful reputation, athletes who are doing the work to cross the finish line, the life surprises of then and now

the little black kittens at the feed store, day errands with Erin, phone calls from Lanie, running into Joanne at the meat store, lined joggers and a base layer shirt on a chilly and overcast day

all the fall feels, satsuma in the school space, a Trader Joe's cranberry and pine burning in another room, every little thing about home, Nora

a five-mile Monday run to build my base back up, Ruth

Next level

I volunteered for a Swim-Run event over the weekend. I chose kayak duty, first shift. It was at a local-ish state park, one I used to take the kids to. Driving into the area that morning, just as dawn was breaking, I was unprepared for the flood of emotions I'd feel at seeing a McDonalds. It meant little kids, hot days, summer weather, water and sand, friends and laughter, air conditioning blasting in the car, salty fries and a sweet soda. This time, I was alone in the car, going to the lake without my kids. This stage of emptying hits me hard. 

The weekend was rainy and windy, and while many races had been canceled, ours was a go. I suited up in trash bags and tried to keep my nerves at bay. I had never been in a kayak. And what's more, when I contacted the race director to see if I needed a wetsuit (a teammate said she was wearing one), I learned that we would actually be using a stand up paddle board (SUP) that has a fold up seat. He sent me a picture and told me I shouldn't need a wetsuit. (I tossed and turned the night before because I don't use alarms--I didn't want to oversleep, and I was really nervous about the paddle board tipping over.)

I wore my tri suit to wick away moisture, a base layer shirt, a fleece, a plastic poncho, capris yoga pants, a large garbage bag with holes for my legs (imagine MC Hammer pants), and sandals. The water was noticeably warmer than the air temperature. I chose the sitting option, as did other teammates. One teammate decided to kneel on her board. (One can also dangle legs over the sides like straddling a surfboard.)

I looked at the beach and remembered: summers with Marshall's Mom, Amy T, and Rebecca. I remembered Erin in the sand and wading out into the water with the kids. Picnic foods on a blanket or a picnic table. And little Bentos. I teared up. Here I was, a different person, in a different stage of parenthood and life--now part of a multi sport community. Never did I ever image that turn, and I delight at the surprises God had for me. 

 

Best seat in the house. I got to watch these athletes work up close. So much admiration for them. 

I was super grateful to change into warm, dry clothes afterwards. Came home from a toasty car ride and heated seat to wrap up in a wool blanket and take an afternoon nap. I could already feel the efforts of maintaining my post against the wind in my arms, shoulders and back. 

This morning, I told Shane how I could feel the work in my body.

"That might be a fun thing to take up if we lived closer to the water," he mentioned.

"We do live close enough to water to do this," I replied, and we both considered the variety of water options.

"Maybe something to do on a nice spring or summer day," he suggested.

"Or on a chilly, windy, raining fall day," I mused, and he laughed. 

***

Summers with my friends and my little children hold the best memories. I was scrolling through old posts to try to locate a picture of Erin that I wanted to include today, but wow, what an archive of our life. Even searching the term "Marshall's Mom" brought up so many lengthy pages (I didn't even get to the end) of my gratitude for her and treasured memories of our friendship. 

Level-ten life, folks. I think the keys to it are gratitude and love. 

Favorite characters--organic homeschool

I remember asking my friend's daughters who their favorite character was in the Harry Potter series. They both answered: Hermione Granger. Ah, yes, the good girl. Smart, brave and bold, does what's right, go getter, sensitive. A heroine for sure.

They asked me who mine was: Severus Snape. (I love that his character is moody, mysterious, dark and complex. I love that there's a super rich history behind a cold exterior. And his loyalty--surprisingly tender.)

One day, Erin and I were discussing our favorite characters from some of our favorite stories. I shared a few of mine:

Helmer (The Green Ember series)

Haymitch (The Hunger Games, however Peeta is also a favorite)

Hopper (Stranger Things)

Snape (Harry Potter series)

We may have discussed others, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. But this, she said to me she noticed a theme in my favorites and that she'd probably be able to figure out my favorite character in any story based on this: mentor-like men ("Mentors, but not really," her words) who are kind of mean. Then she went on to say that it probably had something to do with my dad. 

Insert a look of dumb-founded shock on my face.

And then I laughed.

Day story

September 2023

Outside my window, humidity maxed out. Every day I check the weather for temperature, real feel, humidity, and dew point. Today's dew point is defined as "expect your pace to suffer." This past summer, my overall monthly mileage was cut by a third, mostly from the heat and my aversion to exercising in it. I'm a winter girl. And this past week, with ongoing kidney pain and discomfort, I had four no-run days. But then I saw friends who had also had their own setbacks go on to do half Ironman. Suddenly my Sunday 5k wasn't the mountain I thought I was climbing. We were all dealing with something, all running under the same (weather) conditions. And those who stood on the podium after the 5k/10k said how hard it was under the conditions. (One friend said to me after she crossed the finish line, "Never again.") I was so glad I showed up, and glad I finished. Because it was hard on all of us.

And I quote, 

"You cannot face the future until you've conquered the past. Then you will be free," Louis XIV, Versailles, finale. 

 

We watched Versailles again when we were without cable for a couple of days. The first time we ever watched it was in 2020, and I was going through things that year that when I heard certain lines this time, it stirred familiarity.  

Giving thanks for Scriptures in my hand and in my heart. For eyes to see and ears to hear. For friends who speak into my life. And discernment.

In the school room, table painted. Letter board updated. Soon, new stacks. Soon, something yummy in the oven to celebrate another year. Erin's kindergarten photo came up as a memory on my social media account. Wow. What a journey. And recently I've thought long on what I wanted homeschooling to be (freeing, delightful, curious), and what I've defined as success (being who God created me to be without apology), and I wondered how it was I stood in this place, off track of intention--yet again. But this: my definition of success isn't just for me--it's for everyone. So why is that element not part of my pursuit?

From the kitchen, something warm and sweet to greet my girl. It will either be applesauce bread, pumpkin bread, lemon/blueberry bread, or almond scones. I might start with scones and bake off breads later because I'm low on sugar and need to swing by the store. 

I am learning.

I don't want to forget my dreams. There are things I want to physically do and places I want to physically see. There are areas in my life I want to shape and nurture--especially in the home and the relationships in my life. We lost so many years to issues within and out of our control, and it cuts deeply. The lockdowns coincided with a job I quit, which Shane realized and admitted last night was one that I never should have accepted. Hindsight, you are a merciless teacher for sure.

I am reading portions of The Life Giving Home and The Life Giving Table by Sally Clarkson. Later today (shh), I will be getting her latest release called Teatime Discipleship. I'm really loving Beth Moore's Daniel Bible study. And Erin sent me a superhero-themed fan fiction that I read a chapter a day.

Around the house, my dining room is overrun with things that need to either be put away or given away. I got some bins for things that need to be shelved for a while. And I really, really would like to get those bookshelves and update the school space. Yesterday, I was on the hunt for chalk, and I pulled down a supply basket full of school accessories with the awareness that I will never use all this in the next two years. I felt a little sad. Homeschooling is such a huge part of our identity and rhythm. This time raising kids and doing what we've done has been the richest, most joyful, satisfying time of my life.

 

I value resilience. And certainly this weather is playing a role in teaching me to bounce back. So, let's go. Self, stop making excuses.

On the letter board: love you

A view of my favorite things

Love doing stuff with this kiddo

Before the race

Finishers. Eugene does 7 races a year. I've seen him at 3 and decided to meet him.

Note to self: suck it up

sweetheart

My girl is killin' it this semester.

At the table, too hot to be thinking of soups and breads, so salads and grilling it is. Every day I am thankful for the family around me.

Hello, September

Last week, we ushered in the first of September with a rather spontaneous trip to an amusement park--Erin and I. With a cooler bag of snacks, GPS, and a change of clothes, we were off. I hardly knew where to start when we got there, so we just walked a bit. The last time we were there, Lanie was elementary school, so somewhere between grades 4-6. We went with our co-op friends. Erin was so little, she only did a few smaller rides while her sister braved bigger rides with a school friend.

I rode my first ever upside-down coaster in 7th grade at this park. Erin and I rode it together this year, and it wasn't nearly as scary as I remembered. In fact, compared to others, it was rather anticlimactical.

"That ride is over 40 years old!" Shane commented later.

The day was perfection: blue skies and mild temperatures. We wore our bathing suits under street clothes to take advantage of the water park, but the day went by so quickly that we never got there.

Erin suggested just getting into lines and being surprised at the ride. Thankfully, the first line we picked was to a moderate coaster--no super thrilling drops or upside down. It was actually my favorite ride. We rode it twice. The first time, we were in line and a man approached us with his young children.

"Is it just the two of you?" he asked.

I smiled and said yes. Next he invited us to join his family to use his Fast Track passes, and we got to bypass the long line. What an unbelievable gift to us! I will never forget the merriment in his daughter's eyes watching my reaction. She's got herself a great dad and example of kindness and generosity.

We did the swing carousel thing (ugh, that's a tough one for me. Not a fan of any swing.) Twice. And we got in line for another coaster--half an hour into the wait, I pulled it up on the app and saw it was a high thrill ride--the highest drop in the park. I chickened out.

But later we did a high drop ride that had me screaming in a way I never imagined possible. Absolute horror. But it was thrilling. And we were both shocked and glad we did it--our last ride there.

This one moment, however, when we did a repeat of that first coaster, I looked over at Erin and my eyes filled with tears. Sometimes life hands you the most beautiful moments, and if you're paying attention, you'll notice them. This gorgeous day, the two of us, all the fun, and the ability to do these things together--I am always aware of how quickly time is passing. And Erin is ever ready to remind me how much time is on the clock before she turns eighteen. Being mom to these girls is the greatest gift. Their childhood is a treasure to me. 

We ate snacks in the car--and just a tip: vanilla wafers dipped in peanut butter is just like Nutterbutters. Yum. 

This was the last weekend of summer before a school year starts for a lot of the country. We closed it down with a trip for snowballs last night at a dearly loved local stand. Pink lemonade, rainbow, and a half/half of strawberry and pina colada (for the freezer). It's been years since we got snowballs. (Alas, I declined from this--as much as I wanted lime.)

Erin commented, concerned, yesterday, "I haven't noticed you planning for the school year at all. You haven't even discussed any of it." (She knows I'm a planner in that respect. I usually have the whole thing mapped out and purchased in March, writing all of August in my planner. But not this year, and it feels off to me too.) We have a couple of options I'm waiting on before we start next week. But regardless, I'm prepared to roll into medieval. Like a boss. 

I remember years ago, listening to an audiobook of Beowulf while I cut the field. How did we get here so fast?

September mood board

She got repeated compliments on her earrings.

the first ride

such a beautiful day together

I never want to forget

The last time we were there!