Sunday, January 23, 2011

Loud music, starry skies

I did not write on 66 Books last Friday.

I woke up very early. Drank coffee. Read. Re-read. Stared at a computer screen. I had words I wanted to write. I held my hands still.

Standing in a sanctuary Saturday night barely brought song, my throat tight with tears. There's still worship in my broken silence-song.  A car ride home in the dark. So glad for loud music. And the privacy of night that tears might go unnoticed.

I think of Abraham. And I wonder, that day when he and his son climbed a mountain to worship ... did he ever cry?

When God gave him a dream and asked for it back, did Abraham cry?

Did he question? Did he say, "But You said stars in the sky, nations ..."? Did he feel like he got it all wrong? That he misunderstood?

Or did he hold tight to a promise?

As he prepared for that journey, when he walked up the mountainside, I just have to wonder: God said, "Sacrifice." And Abraham went through the motions of it all, but his words lead elsewhere ... to the servants waiting below he said, "We'll be back." To his son, he said, "God will provide the lamb." In the end, Abraham did get to keep his dream. God provides.

During this difficult waiting, I wonder about the dream placed in my heart. I didn't know of the sacrifices I would make in having it--that came later. I have a lot of questions of my own--and not just a few tears--I move forward, up a mountain, to worship, holding jointly to dream and hope: God provides.


Beckie said...

I'm so sorry Courtney. Love to you!

Anonymous said...

So vague, yet I can tell you're hurting from something. I'll call soon.